What if I
by toobeauty
Summary: Angst, sorrow and too many doubts.


_**Title: What if I**__**….**_

**Author:** toobeauty  
**Pairing: **A/H  
**Rating: **PG.

**Disclaimer:** I don't know people involved, no harm intended, everything is product of my imagination.  
**Feedback:** yes, please any kind of them will help me to improve my writing or leave it forever.

No beta, so all the mistakes are mine, sorry!!

Hephaestion was in his chambers in Babylon, something it wasn´t strange because it had been like that since the Macedonian Army arrived there and King Alexander took control over the palace of the former Great King Darius. But he did not only take control of the building but also of the Harem and since that day, Hephaestion knew that their love was doomed.

Hephaestion knew that Alexander would take the Persian eunuch Bagoas to his bed; the young boy was too beautiful, slender, and exotic and his skin wasn´t marred as Hephaestion's. But the second in command General and member of the Bodyguard Corpse didn´t want to think about the eunuch; he was in his chambers thinking about himself and his future … without Alexander.

As usual when he was nervous, Hephaestion used to pace the place smoothly as if he were floating; the heavy curtains were partially open and the weak rays of the evening sun entered the place giving its warmth and enlightening the long and auburn hair of the troubled soldier. The sun didn´t dare to touch his cerulean eyes, which had lost part of their brightness and most of the times they reflected sadness.

Has Alexander realized about his friend's sad mood? Of course not, Hephaestion wore a mask whenever he was near his King, just not to disturb him.

Hephaestion hadn't been feeling well in the last weeks and his loneliness hadn´t helped to cheer him up.

Has Alexander realized that Hephaestion didn´t share supper with him today? No, he hasn´t, he was with the eunuch all day long, whispering things inside his ear and calling him to be at his side whenever Bagoas was away.

What it made the matters worse was that the eunuch didn´t take his dark brown eyes from Hephaestion, as if he wanted to show the general it was him who had the King's heart at the moment.

Hephaestion decided that he wouldn't leave his chambers till he cleared up his mind and he thought about his new destination; he would ask Alexander to let him go back to Pella so there he could be in charge of his family business and he would still be serving Alexander while breeding war horses for the Macedonian Cavalry.

Alexander wouldn´t miss him now that he had his eunuch and his wife and that their childhood and youth love had disappeared; in fact it didn't disappear, it had just turned into friendship.

Hephaestion stepped out of his balcony to contemplate the city; Babylon was beautiful, he couldn´t deny its beauty, even though it was here where he had lost his love. He knew he had to run away because he was in danger of losing himself.

He reentered his chambers, went to the wine cabinet but decided to drink some fresh water, he didn´t want alcohol to cloud his mind.

While sipping from his gold goblet – a gift from Alexander the day they exchanged their love votes- he stood opposite the marble bust of Alexander he had next to his bed; it was located in such a way that this bust was the first thing he saw in the morning and the last thing he saw before Hypnos took him to sleep.

The sun kissed the bust so it was always warm when someone touched it, something that Hephaestion used to do when he missed his lover and, he had been caressing the bust a lot lately.

Hephaestion sat on a bench opposite it and without realizing he was speaking up, he started to nude his soul.

_**What if I wanted to break**__**, **_my Alexander, it ´s hard to go on like this; _**laugh it all off in your face, what would**__**you do?**_Would you think me mad, would you come back to me?

_**What if I fell to the floor**_, would you come to pick me up and see to my needs?

I_**couldn´t take all this anymore**__**, **_my heart is bleeding and I missed you a lot. So tell me_**what would you do, do?**_

My Alexander, _**come, break me down**_, I am waiting for the final blow; _**bury me bury me**_ in the shadows and into oblivion. _**I am finished with you.**_

Hephaestion took his head between his hands and cried, tears ran along his cheeks and he couldn´t stop them. He was so broken, so thoughtful that he didn´t realize about anything happening around him.

My Alexander, _**what if I wanted to fight**_ to get your love back, would you accept me? I don´t want to _**beg for the**_ _**rest of my life, what would you do?**_ _**You said you wanted more**_, because Macedon was too small for you but now you also had Persia and in the near future India and the rest of the known world; what else do you want?

My Alexander, I am ready to give my life for you, _**what are you waiting for?**_I am here, next to you, _**I´m not running from you.**_

_**Look in my eyes; you are killing me, killing me**_every day whenever you are not with me and you call him to your bed. I don´t ask anything, I don´t want power or riches, _**all I wanted was you**_ and now I have lost you forever.

_**I tried to be someone else**_, I tried to be a useful companion and not only your shadow, your lover, _**but**_even I tried hard, _**nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am INSIDE;**_ I will never be a great general as Cleitus or braver as Cassander. _**I finally found myself, fighting for a chance **__but__** I know now, this is who I really am,**_a man who cannot fight with his head cold, I always fight with a warm heart and after every battle , I threw my guts and felt sorrow for my enemies.

My Alexander, please _**come, break me down, bury me bury me**_ in a dark place and leave me behind, I am not worth, I don´t add any value to your great army.

My Alexander, _**you say you wanted more**_ but I don´t have anything left to give you, except my love, my body, my heart. _**What are you waiting FOR to**_ take them? You don´t need my leave, I am yours to do whatever you want with me. _**I am not running from you**_ even though you do not need me anymore because running away from you would cause my death.

_**What if I**_ decided to go on my way alone?

_**What if I**_ decided to give my love to another?

_**What if I**_ decided to take my life because without you I am lost?

Please, My Alexander, _**bury me, bury me**_ deep down inside mother earth and let me be part of the world forever.

Hephaestion's voice became a whisper and low sobs could be heard escaping from the general's full lips. It was painful to see how such a tall, strong and handsome man had become a shadow of himself after his confession; but what it was more painful to contemplate was the rigid frame of the great Macedonian King who had entered his lover´s chambers some minutes ago to tell him his good news; news that would affect their lives forever. The noble King stared at his lover with his two coloured eyes full of tears and he had to make a great effort to set one foot in front of the other. Kneeling behind Hephaestion, Alexander hugged his lover from behind and set a trail of butterfly kisses from his nape to his bare shoulder. Strong hands caressed tenderly the general's chest and made him rest over the king's chest.

Phai, my love, why are you so sad? Have I done all those things you have just said?

Sire, why are you here? If you wanted to talk to me, you should have commanded me to meet you.

Commanded you, my love? I would never do that. Why are you addressing me so formally?

Because you are my King; because I am one of among all your companions.

By Aphrodite's breath, what are you talking about? You are my FIRST companion, but what is more important is that you are the king of my heart, my better half, my lover, my friend, my everything, without you I wouldn´t ….

Be careful my king with what you say, I could believe you …

Why shouldn´t you believe me? You know I am nothing without you, that you make me feel complete and sane. Why are you so distant, my love? You didn´t share neither your breakfast nor your supper with me, and when I entered here, very happy to tell you our good news I found you almost with your heart at your feet. Please, my love, tell me what is worrying you? I want to help you.

Nothing, My King, do not worry and bury me into your oblivion.

If that is what you really want … I would leave you alone with your sorrow.

Saying those painful words, Alexander stood up and was about to leave his lover when a firm hand caught his wrist.

Please, forgive me; I have tried so hard to be worthy to your army, my King, but I have just realized that I would never be good enough for you.

Who are you? Where have you hidden my brunette lover, full of confidence and always brave? Why have you turned him into a sad, nervous and distant person? Why have you abandoned me, Phai? Why don´t you share my bed every night? Why don´t you set your beautiful blue eyes on mine anymore? Don´t you love me? Is there someone else?

No, my Xander, there's only you in my life, I don´t need anybody else.

I know. Bagoas has been following you and looking after you for the last three weeks and he told me all your movements. He also confessed me that he was worried about you because he saw you very sad.

Bagoas? Following me? Why was your lover worried about me?

Bagoas, my lover? Why do you say that? He is not my lover; you are the only one suitable and desired to share my bed and my life. If I have you, why will I desire another?

And what about all those whisperings and calls to your side? I saw you doing that with my own eyes.

Bagoas was only telling me his discoveries about your whereabouts. Phai, I gave you my heart ten years ago and I also made votes to you; I wouldn´t dare to break them, because you are a gift from the gods and the reason of my existence.

I am so sorry, my love, I thought you stopped loving me and took Bagoas to your bed. That was the reason of my sad mood and my cold treatment to you.

Without saying another word, Hephaestion pressed his lips onto his lover's and kissed him tenderly. Alexander kissed him back while hugging strongly and walking towards Hephaestion's bed.

A very happy but tired Hephaestion – due to their long and hard lovemaking- asked the man who was lying next to him:

My love, what was the news you wanted to tell me?

Ummm, later, I want to sleep a bit more; you really exhausted me.

No, Xander, tell me now or I won´t come to you again.

That threat made the young King sat in his lover´s bed and told him the news.

Parmenion. Craterous and Cassander will head to India while you and I will head to Macedon.

What? Are you out of your mind? Why are you doing this, Alexander?

Because in these last weeks when we were apart, I realized that all I need in my life is you and I nearly lost you in our last t battle, so I don´t want to risk you anymore.

No, Alexander, don´t abandon your dreams, if you do, then you will hate me and I wouldn´t be able to tolerate your hate.

I will never blame you, I am 27, my Phai, I have battled and conquered more than I supposed I could, and I am tired. From now on I want to share and spend my life with you, back in Pella where our love was born.

And your wife, Alexander? What will happen to her?

She will be taken back to her kingdom, I really made a mistake in marrying her without love, and as she hasn´t been able to give me an heir, there's no point in being married. I had always had bad luck with my second options.

I don´t understand, she is your first wife, Alexander.

Yes, that´s true, but it was my second marriage. Ours was the first and we have been bond for …

For ten years, eight months and twelve days.

That´s true. So WHAT IF we start packing our things and head back home, my love.

Yes, my love, your wishes are my commands. I love you Alexander, more than you can imagine.

And do you know what I love most about you, my Phai?

No, my Xander, what?

That you love me back.

Author´s note: The bold letters correspond to the lyrics of "The Kill", song written and performed by Jared Leto, singer of Thirty Seconds to Mars, who also played the role of Hephaestion in "Alexander" by Oliver Stone.


End file.
